The struggle to appear normal

I am worn out. I know I am neglecting some of those who love me and want my attention, and I'm sorry I'm not available or too tired. But I am so wrapped up in trying to save my life that I have little time for anything else. I can't do all the stuff I want to do. Yesterday I had 3 events I wanted to do: a thing at TWC, my high school reunion, and a friend performing at a comedy club. Back in my Other Life, I would've been able to hit all 3 but now I could only pick one to give it my full presence. I picked the reunion. I had the BEST time! I'm so glad I went. I ate an apple, a salad, had 3 beers and 4 peanuts. Vegan all the way, baby! LOL

I really struggle to appear "normal". To look at me you wouldn't know I was sick at all. Guess I've gotten really good at faking it but I am in pain all of the time. I don't move as quick as I used to. Shit, I can't do most ANYTHING like I used to. I'm back to frequent doctor appointments and tests. My money situation sucks. Insurance doesn't pay for naturopathic doctors or treatments so it's all out of pocket. My kid doesn't hate me anymore but is still not happy living here at Grandma's house. I don't blame him. I wish we lived back at our house, too.

There are many many good things in my life. I have my friends, my family, my support group, new docs, a new church, my blogger buddies, my dog, I'm breathing, I have a Plan, and the sun is gonna come up tomorrow. Here's to another week of sucking it up and moving on.

A Call To My Peeps:

I need a boost, my friends. My oncology appointment is tomorrow to discuss PET scan results. I haven't slept in 3 days. My sister is back in the hospital undergoing tests for bowel issues- she had a colon resection 6 months ago. Now I have some weird bowel issues going on. Sympathetic symptoms, maybe? A bug? Bad oysters after my PET scan on Friday? I know, what was I thinking? (actually, I was thinking I should load up on all that raw-fishy-sushi stuff now in case I had to start chemo again and wasn't allowed to have it. My mind works in strange ways). I am STRESSED OUT. In pain. Scared. AGAIN! How many times do I have to go through this? 


So- if it wouldn't be too much, would y'all mind sending good thoughts my way? Send it in whatever way blows your skirt up- pray, rattle 'dem bones, knock on wood, rub your lucky rock, telepathy- I ain't picky. I'll take them all. Some for my sister wouldn't be bad, either. Thank you.


Lord, give me strength. Amen.



 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

My extended vacation seems like I dreamed it. If I didn't have pictures and souvenirs I'd really have to wonder, because my memory is shot. I know I had fun, though!

You can escape life once in awhile, but it always catches up with you. I spent 19 days gleefully running in the cornfields of the Midwest getting my Zen on, and just absorbing friends and life and summer and freedom. Then I come home and all the world's problems (mine) are still there. I wasn't back 3 days before I was having chest pain again, anxiety attacks, and a lot of anger and stress. It's not easy living with an alcoholic and a 14 year old boy. Sage advice was to remove the stressors from my life. Can't get rid of the kid, but the man is definitely out. We have some irreconcilable differences and, based on our history, I don't trust him to take care of me if I get sick again. And he loves Bacardi much more than me.

I've had to make a lot of hard decisions. I'm unemployed and on disability now, so my finances aren't great. If I get sick again, I need to be somewhere I KNOW I'll be taken care of, and where my kid will be safe and looked after. I decided to move back to my mom's house in Phoenix. She's got room for us (and my dog), and it'll be a good thing. An adjustment, of course, but we'll make it work. My kid hates me, of course. He just started high school last week and doesn't want to be away from his friends. I totally understand that, and plan on keeping him at the school he's at, for this year, at least. He knows there are a few circumstances where I'd have to transfer him to a school closer to Mom's house.

It's gonna be a busy month; packing, sorting, weeding, downsizing, finding storage, cleaning, and moving. My heart aches for letting my dude go, but I know it's for the best. My path has just taken a sharp turn from his.

As far as my cancer goes, I'm in a holding pattern. Nothing zappable showed up on the scans last month so we wait. I had my barium swallow test to check out my throat. I am happy to say that there were no tumors, but I do have esophageal spasms and reflux now, apparently caused by chemo. Thanks a lot, chemo! You're the gift that just keeps on giving! Like herpes!

I still have chemo brain, chronic tinnitus, a sharp, stabbing pain close to my incision site (nerve damage, I'm almost positive), insomnia, and the attention span of a Labrador. But I'm alive, my eyebrows are almost back, and I have a great tan. (ha) I'm just trying to deal. One day at a time.