I'm Melting! Melting! OOHHhhhhhhh. . . .

I've been done with chemo for 2 weeks now. I still feel like crap, but it eases up just a little bit every day, except for the hot flashes- they come regularly, for about 20 hours out of every 24. Can you actually die from a hot flash? And do people really spontaneously combust? I'm beginning to think so.

It "could" be the chemo exiting my body. Cool! Be gone, Demon! Take your cancer with you! And be quick about it! Or it could be that it's been over 100 degrees in Phoenix lately. Or it could be just the fun part of surgically induced menopause- what a riot! But if I'm flashing, then I'm still living, so I'm grateful for it. No, really. I'll make a list of all the reasons I'm grateful for hot flashes. I'll get right on that.

I wish someone had told me that I should see a dentist before starting chemo, because shortly after I finished it, I had to do it again. Most dentists don't want to touch you while you're on chemo. Six different chemo drugs over a year really does a number on your mouth, but it seemed like in the last month everything just accelerated. Major gum problems, bone loss, and I had to have 2 molars pulled on Friday and a temporary bridge put in. I don't feel like Susie Sunshine today, but at least it's a start to fixing the problem.

That sinus thing I've been going on about; the dripping, bleeding, just won't heal- turns out I have a staph infection in there. More anti-biotics for me: Doxycycline twice a day for a month (with a REFILL). Shit. Doesn't go well with the Coumadin, either, so we'll have to monitor my INR (clotting factor) more frequently. It was pretty low today, so I'm still bleeding Kool-Ade. The dentist said the doxycycline should be okay for the tooth thing, (its usually Penicillin for that stuff) but it's been 4 days and still hurts like hell. I'll be calling him after lunch.

Saturday was National Cancer Survivor's Day. I wasn't able to attend last year because I was in the hospital with a heart attack but this year was good. Rico and the Boyo came with me to The Wellness Community in Phoenix and they got to see where I go for my support group, be part of the drumming circle, hear some music and some stories, and a very nice lunch was provided. Let's just see how many Cancer Survivor's Days I can get under my belt.

My PET scan is scheduled for the 22d, and I'll see the doc on the 29th. No matter WHAT the doc says, good or bad- I'm gonna blow outa here for 2 weeks for a much needed Soul Vacation/Reboot/Wild Windy City-Midwest-Escape to Wisconsin Pilgrimage/Straighten Shit Out/Farewell Tour thing before implementing Plan D, whatever that may be. There will be no doctor visits, labs, scans, tests, hospitals, or anything medical-I don't even want to see a fucking Band-Aid during this trip.

I'm hunkering down and trying to stay off the radar for now. Hunker with me, would ya? Or, better yet- yank me up off my ass.
Love

Another Graduation

You'd think I would've been ready this morning, having been up since 3am all jacked up on steroids, hot flashing and having a major anxiety attack. I had to go outside and sit on my patio for awhile to cool off and try to get my Zen on with some Xanax and herbal remedies. I had to take another batch of steroids at 6am in prep for chemo today. MY LAST CHEMO. FOREVER, DAMN IT!

So we took dog out (Rico did), got the kid up and to school (Rico did) while I dawdled in the shower, lollygagged getting dressed, and generally stalled for as long as I could before getting out the door for the 25 mile drive. Wait! I need to draw my eyebrows in! I need to use the bathroom! Where are my lucky blue Chucks?? Is my iTouch charged up? Wait! I gotta put Lidocaine on my port! Is it time for another Xanax yet? Check the A/C. Make sure the windows are closed. Fill the dog bowls. Switch the laundry to the dryer and start another load.

We finally hit the road (when he gently dragged me out the door) and here I am at Club Chemo with 9 other women today, all of us at various stages in our treatment. Today, being my last treatment (the 2nd time around) I've got the Graduation Ribbon on my IV pole. Here, patients sign the ribbon after the last chemo. There are 3 ribbons that hang on the wall, all filled with prayers, jokes, signatures and love notes to the Oncology Team. Every part of every ribbon is signed, all the way down each of the 12 strands of 4 foot tail. This one is a brand new ribbon and I'm the first to sign it. I think I've just earned a B.S. Degree in Chemotherapy.
Another oncology office has them ring The Bell, and another place plops a tiara on your head, wraps a feather boa around your neck, presents you with a dried giant fake bouquet and tells you "Now, take your Walk!", like you're Miss America or something. I like that. Finishing chemo is a big deal.

I'm so glad this is almost over. I need a break from chemo in the worst way. In 4 weeks I can have he PET scan. Now, it's just a waiting game again. Limbo Land. I'm gonna just spend the next month eliminating this toxic shit from my body, then hopefully all those dreadful side effect will abandon ship. I can't wait to get off all these meds. Will it even be possible?

What will the PET scan show? Will my labs be good? Will he have to go in and look around again? Will I be able to go back to work? What if....? These questions, and more will be answered next month, and I AIN'T GOING THERE TIL I GET THERE.

For my graduation speech I'd like to say:
It's been a long, strange trip, Cancer.
I've worked very hard over the last year
to get the best of you.
So far, I've kicked your ass. TWICE, bitch!
You better stay down! I'm warning you!
FUCK YOU, RECURRENT METASTATIC SEROUS PAPILLARY
OVARIAN ADENOCARCINOMA.
I HATE YOU.
FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Crab Ass Wendy Whiner

I have just had my next-to-last chemo. My CA-125 is back up to 20 from 12. I try not to get hung up on the numbers- it's still totally within the "normal" range (less than 35) but I'm not liking the spike. I have so much going on with side effects- all separate things that, by themselves, are irksome, distressing, painful or intolerable- all together are really fucking me up.

These days, everything I do (or want to do) requires deep consideration. With all the meds I'm taking, I have to be very careful. Should I take Xanax for anxiety, or narcotics for pain? Can't take 'em both, or even close to when I go to bed. Ambien or Seroquel to sleep? Ambien doesn't work for long and Seroquel is supposed to help with "sleep anxiety" and hot flashes. It's not helping. My Prozac was upped to 60mg a day to help with the hot flashes. That's a lot of Prozac. And it's not helping.

Chemo plays HELL with your GI tract, starting with your mouth. Bleeding gums, mouth sores- fuck that. Got some new mouthwash- it's called Magic Mouthwash, and the pharmacy actually had to compound it for me. It's got a LOT of Lidocaine in it, some antibiotic, antacid and something else. I have to make sure I've eaten first because I'm a total mush mouth after using it.

When it comes to eating, I have to consider what will taste the best when throw it up. Or if it's even gonna pass through. Gross, right? All my cancer/chemo buds know exactly what I'm talkin' about. Laxatives? Sure. Bring 'em on. They're not working. When I need to take a Vicodin after using the bathroom: I AM NOT HAPPY CRAPPER.

I even got some anti-nausea patches called Sancuso. Good shit, Maynard. Especially when they STICK like they're supposed to. They last for 5 days, and in combination with Zofran, Compazine and some steroids, they work great. But I've had 2 patches fall off after 1 day (yes, I put them on right- I'm not a total dipshit).

The sinus thing is driving me crazy. It's been dripping for a year since I started chemo- apparently because my nose hairs are gone, and bleeding and scabbing for about 6 months. It's not going away and feels like it's going deeper.

Thanks for lettin' me share my list of woes. Doesn't make it any better, but maybe y'all know something I don't about fixing them (besides stopping chemo and all meds). I see a lot of doctors now, but see an ENT and a GI doc in my future. Fuck.

Herbals, anyone?

Bitchy McBitcherson

I'm at that point in chemo (1 more month to go, 3 more blasts) where the cumulative effects are kickin my ass. It's a beautiful day outside and I want to be lounging by the pool with an ice cold beer. But I have to stay out of the sun, and I feel too pukey for a beer. Woe is me. :( I got the Neulasta shot with my chemo on Monday and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Percocet is not my friend today. Got the itch-fest going on with that, and the hot flashes are way out of control. Did I say woe is me?

Yeah, I'm whining, I know. But it's better to get it out here than let loose on some asshole who desperately deserves it (or not). Today is not a good day to fuck with me. I am in a mood. And I feel like shit.

Wah.