I've been in the hospice facility for the last 7 days trying to get my nausea and vomiting under control. Evidently, we've done all we can so I'm going home. We can do at home what we've done here, and I'm just sick of being here. It's taken me 3 days to get this post up, being as loopy as I am. We had to increase my pain meds again, because my pain from the nausea and vomiting is gonna do me in. The doc tells me that for as much as we are doing, it's not really going to help. Tumors themselves excrete their own fluids and hormones that cause nausea, and I have a lot of tumor activity going on in my abdomen. I haven't really eaten in weeks and I've lost so much weight.
There is a lot more on the issue of "going home". My time is getting shorter, I feel. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being real. My pain has increased, my vital signs fluctuate a lot, I have some new arrhythmia on my heart, my blood pressure is all over the place. And the fact that we had to increase my pain meds to the point that I'm so loopy I can barely get out my morning Facebook "hey, I'm alive" post- decreasing awareness of my surroundings and who is there. It's weird. I can feel it; time slipping away, me slipping away. Part of it may be from sitting in this little room at hospice. I'm lonely and bored, and we spend all damn day either medicating me, cleaning up vomit, or messing with my PEG tube. I'm tired.
My son has had all he can take. How do you say good bye? He knows my death is imminent; it's just not happened yet and the strain shows on him. He's doing terrible in school, and no wonder. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done with it so everyone could deal with it and get on with their lives. I hate dragging things out. I've had a lot of bad days, can you tell? They happen much more frequently than the good days. I've almost forgot what good days are like. I really miss food. Man, what I wouldn't give for a big sloppy cheeseburger. I'll quit whining now. Don't know how many more posts I have in me but when I'm lucid enough I'll post.
Love to all,