This is my own story of life with advanced ovarian cancer. I do not offer medical advice, and my treatment decisions are my own. Please talk to your physician or healer and gain as much information as you can about this dreadful disease called cancer. Remember, knowledge is Power!

Thursday, April 7

Down the rabbit hole

I've been in the hospice facility for the last 7 days trying to get my nausea and vomiting under control. Evidently, we've done all we can so I'm going home. We can do at home what we've done here, and I'm just sick of being here. It's taken me 3 days to get this post up, being as loopy as I am. We had to increase my pain meds again, because my pain from the nausea and vomiting is gonna do me in. The doc tells me that for as much as we are doing, it's not really going to help. Tumors themselves excrete their own fluids and hormones that cause nausea, and I have a lot of tumor activity going on in my abdomen. I haven't really eaten in weeks and I've lost so much weight.

There is a lot more on the issue of "going home". My time is getting shorter, I feel. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being real. My pain has increased, my vital signs fluctuate a lot, I have some new arrhythmia on my heart, my blood pressure is all over the place. And the fact that we had to increase my pain meds to the point that I'm so loopy I can barely get out my morning Facebook "hey, I'm alive" post- decreasing awareness of my surroundings and who is there. It's weird. I can feel it; time slipping away, me slipping away. Part of it may be from sitting in this little room at hospice. I'm lonely and bored, and we spend all damn day either medicating me, cleaning up vomit, or messing with my PEG tube. I'm tired.

My son has had all he can take. How do you say good bye? He knows my death is imminent; it's just not happened yet and the strain shows on him. He's doing terrible in school, and no wonder. Sometimes I wish it would just happen and be done with it so everyone could deal with it and get on with their lives. I hate dragging things out. I've had a lot of bad days, can you tell? They happen much more frequently than the good days. I've almost forgot what good days are like. I really miss food. Man, what I wouldn't give for a big sloppy cheeseburger. I'll quit whining now. Don't know how many more posts I have in me but when I'm lucid enough I'll post.
Love to all,

47 comments:

  1. Oh Pateeta. I love you and am praying for you. I think about you every day. This fucking disease is unbelievable horrifying. May God hold you and all you love in his hands.

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  2. Sending you love, and peace for you and your family.
    Know you are in my prayers with your family

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  3. Pateeta, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It is just so unfair! I hate cancer! I am praying for your comfort and healing, and for your family too.

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  4. Pateeta,
    You are such an inspiration to me. I will (as always) send prayers and the most positive thoughts I can muster for your comfort and peace and that of your family. Take care, strong beautiful woman.

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  5. What do you type after a post like that? I'm crying and things like "sending love and peace to you and your family" just doesn't seem like it's enough. Empty words at a time like this. Does it help you to know that you are in my thoughts every day and I kinda hold my breath until I see your post every day on Facebook? What words could possibly make this situation any better right now? Tell me and I'll say them to you. Peace be with you, my friend.

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  6. God Bless you Pateeta, Soccer Barbie here. I don't know what else to say, just that.

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  7. ah Pateeta, my friend. I have no words that will do. Know you are loved and treasured and will be remembered so very fondly long after you leave us.
    I promise I will post pics of the Fountain Floozies every March!!!
    Peace and love.
    Viney

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  8. Pateeta. I wish I could say something beautiful or courgeous so that your suffering would run from you, leaving peace and joy. You just celebrated such a great birthday and now you're in it again. Well I'm here in spirit, and always keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I appreciate any precious wording you share with us. God Bless Try to keep smiling, for this is just the beginning of an even more beautiful journey. God loves you deeply.

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  9. I love you, Patty. I'm holding you and your love for life and laughter in my heart.

    Cherisse

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  10. I hate that you're in pain. And I hate this stupid fucking disease. I love you and admire you. When you're ready, go in peace and know you will not be forgotten.

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  11. I love you so much. I don't know what else to say. You are such a Warrior Woman and have been fighting for so long. I want to hold on to you for as long as we can but I also want you to go and be at peace.

    I have sent up petitions for your family, especially your dear son, for peace in mind and heart when you no longer post "Good morning" to us. That they can find comfort in knowing that you are loved and an inspiration to many in many ways.

    May the gods and goddesses hold you all close as you make this final journey.

    Moonbeams

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  12. I think about you often, and wish you lots of good vibes. For you and your family. I don't know what else to do but to refer people to your blog, and the ones of others fighting what you fight.

    peace girl, jax

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  13. My heart weeps for you and your family, with all you've been through but damn, what a warrior you are, I'm in awe.

    Please know that when you are finally pain free and dancing in the fountains of Heaven, I'll hold your son in my prayers.

    Bugs

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  14. I really don't know what to say except that you and your family are in my prayers.

    hugs

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  15. I love you and wish you no more pain. Hugs Belle

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  16. You and your family are in my thoughts.
    Wendy
    Plum Beautiful

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  17. You are always in my prayers, every night and every morning. And your children and family are too. I am better for knowing you and I'm thankful for meeting you. I have very fond memories of our Jackson trip. :-) You are my hero, Patty. I love you! xoxo

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  18. Not much to say except I love you. Frenchie

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  19. I wake up every morning and I look for your posts. People say you can imagine until you've been in someone elses shoes. I really can't imagine. I can only hope. Hope for you, hope for your family, hope for tomorrow.

    Your days, which make up your life, have been inspirational. They have but things in perspective. It's hard to whine or feel sorry for something trivial when you see a magnificent person who has helped so many struggle so much to live. You've changed so many lives.

    Love to you my warrior sister, my Pateeta.

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  20. Rest Patty. Know that all is well. You are loved beyond measure. And you are leaving your love in the hearts of so many. God bless your son. God bless you. Ktay

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  21. I LOVE YOU BABY!!!

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  22. I fucking hate cancer. It has taken all the most important people in my life. Today I mourn for all it has taken from you, Patty, and all it will take from your children. I love you. Miss Knowledge

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  23. Cyndia aka Sissy P.April 8, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    Patty, my heart breaks for you and your family; and most especially your son. I wish I could offer peace to you all. Know that you are loved by so many, including myself. I wish I could sit by you and hold your hand when you feel yourself slipping away. I'd sing you on your journey.

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  24. Patty you are so strong and have fought so hard. I keep you and especially your son in my prayers. Love you bunches. Naturalblond

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  25. Patty, I wish I could do something to make it better. You do what you need to do and I'm so sorry you are feeling so horrible, sick, nauseated and in pain. I'm sending some warmth to envelop you like rays of sunshine. I hope it helps a tiny bit.

    Khaki (Betsy)

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  26. Pateeta,

    I hope you know how much I admire you and that I am wishing you peace. Know you have touched my life and the life of so many others and you will be remembered with love.
    Love
    Bop

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  27. Pateeta,
    Hoping that you have enough moments of clarity to feel the love surrounding you. Many of us know how much your care meant to Dutchy. Now, that same care and love is focused on you, Dear Warrior Woman.
    There are prayers and gentle hugs enfolding you and your family. May you all be pain-free and at peace. May you be singing and dancing in your New Life.
    You are loved. You are an inspiration.

    Sincerely, "Iris"

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  28. Dear Pateeta, you are such a blessing, and my heart is breaking that you will not be here much longer. But how selfish of me.....

    I wish you every peace, every blessing, every ounce of love and energy you will need for this final leg of your journey. Know that you will be missed terribly, but I know that I will meet you again.

    I think of the ones who will greet you -- I especially picture Dutchy waiting there. Of course, I picture her standing there, ciggy in hand, going, "Patty, where the &(*&%# are you?" :D

    Thank you for the beautiful life lessons you have given us, painful as they have been for you. Thank you for being encouraging, and caring and loving, even when you were in dire straits yourself.

    And as the time comes, I really pray that the good night is gentle and sweetly enfolds you as those who are waiting will embrace you warmly.

    Godspeed Pateeta! xxoo,
    Annette (CaroG / Carolina Goddess)

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  29. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR!!!! I LOVE U MORE EVERDAY!!! YOUR POSTS MAKE MY DAY!!!! YOU AND THE FAMILY ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS!!! My mom will meet you at the gate in heaven baby, we already agreed!!! She'll have a beer and burger waiting for ya! She'll be the most beautiful woman up there (next to you of course)!!!! I LOVE U PATTY!!!

    LOVE
    T

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  30. Patty, I have no words really but I just wanted to chime in with yet another voiceto let you know how many people think about you and care about uou and admire the HELL out of you and your strength and courage. You and your family are on my mind every single day. Wishing only peace and laughs and no pain. Hugs.
    Jennifer/Jez

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  31. Rest sweet girl. Know that you are loved and that you have shared your love with so many. Keeping you in my prayers as well as your sweet boy.
    love, angelajo

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  32. Sending much love to you and your family. You're in my prayers. - Rachael

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  33. You are in my prayers Patty.
    Pyreaux (Tracy)

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  34. Sunday hugs and love for you, Pateeta.

    Love,
    Bop

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  35. You are so, so brave. I wish I could make it all go away, run over and pick you up, and go have that cheeseburger. You and your family are in my prayers everyday. :) Love you.

    Robin Mitchell (Fifi)

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  36. I love you, Pateeta. not much more to say. Not much else needs to be said.

    ~Sherri (QEJ)

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  37. I don't know whether you'll get this or not, whether you're still on the planet though it's been a real eye opener to read your posts and see your spirit through your writing. You are leaving us with your wisdom and strength. I am grateful to have "met" you though sorry it was under these circumstances. Will see you on the other side eventually.
    Love,
    Janell

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  38. Dear Patty
    Wherever you are, know that you have been loved. Think of you often. I hope that you and your family find peace and comfort. Go with God.

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  39. Patty,

    I believe your words may have echoed that of my mother's three years ago (if she would have said them aloud to me). She was so worried about my brother and me, more than she worried about herself despite all she was going through. It is women like you and my mom who make lasting impressions on their children and the people they encounter. She has shaped the woman I am and am still becoming, just like you are doing for your son. He can do this; he will find the strength somehow. There's no need to say goodbye; death is not the end-- it's only the beginning. Even on your hardest days, try to remember that we will be with our loved ones again when it is time. Praying for you and your family xoxoxo

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  40. Patty -your strength encouraged me as I wonder about my own cancer returning. I feel so much for your love of your family and how to say goodbye.........I too believe that it isn't the end and you are so strong of heart you will touch and hold your children from above and they will feel you. God Bless you for all your suffering and through it all you taught us to enjoy life. I love you

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  41. I'm thinking of you, Pateeta!

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  42. Still and always thinking of you.

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  43. You have been in my thoughts.

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  44. Godspeed my friend. I'm praying you home

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  45. Dear Pateeta,
    I wish I could have met you. I am really thinking about you right now. I always think of you, but your are strong in my mind.

    My prayers are with you............

    God's Peace and Love to you my sister.

    Denise

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  46. Farewell Pateeta. It was announced that you passed at 5pm last night (Easter). You are already missed. Rest in peace Warrior Woman.

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!
Love,
Pateeta