This is my own story of life with advanced ovarian cancer. I do not offer medical advice, and my treatment decisions are my own. Please talk to your physician or healer and gain as much information as you can about this dreadful disease called cancer. Remember, knowledge is Power!

Saturday, January 22

Oh, Daria

Our blogging community has lost another beautiful soul. Daria from Living With Cancer passed away today. Daria was so helpful to me and others facing this cruel disease. She will be sorely missed. Please, say a prayer for Daria and those who loved her.

Wednesday, January 19

A Little Time

Hi guys-
It's gonna take me a little time to pull my thoughts together to be able to update all that's happened in these last crazy couple of weeks. But the quickie update now is that I'm home from the hospice facility. And driving my mom crazy for not letting her "do" everything for me. Sorry, Mom! Love you!

And all of you- thanks for sticking my me.

Friday, January 14

To Hell And Back

This will be brief, i dont have my laptop and im exhausted.

Was released from the hospital today after a 13 day stay. Major complications occurred, and i and everyone else thought I was going to die yesterday. Transferred to hospice facility today to get a home plan started on Monday. That's all I've got for now but i am so grateful for my loving family, friends and God for pulling me through a very dark place and letting me have another beautiful day on this earth.

Friday, January 7

Like A Lead Balloon

That's what my stomach feels like. I had my upper GI series yesterday where I glugged down at least a litre of barium. I don't know how I did it, only being able to take small sips of anything, but I was determined to NOT get the NG tube down my nose. It took over 4 hours for this test. I'm sure it would've been quicker, but when your bowels aren't working properly then they can't push the barium through. About 3 hours into the test they told me to lie on my stomach to get another view. It had been over 4 hours since my last pain and nausea meds so I was hurting pretty badly by then, but you'd have thought they were murdering me in there by the tortured screams that came from within. The radiologist called for a nurse to dose me with more pain meds so we could finish the test, and my momma came down from my room where she'd been waiting for hours. They let her come in and hold my hand and calm me down. Thank God for my momma.

It's been about 18 hours since I drank the barium and it's still not moving anywhere. Last night I vomited, but only bile. I still can't have a bowel movement. This morning I got a new wristband with my blood type and other cryptic information. Surgery today is a definite possibility. I spoke with the GI guy, the surgeons, the gyn/onc and the chaplain. If they decide to go in to check out/resolve the bowel issue, it's very possible I'll leave here with a shiny new colostomy bag, and maybe a PEG tube for feeding.

It distresses me how fast this is happening. I mean one minute I feel fine, and the next minute I'm in the fucking hospital AGAIN for something else. My kid came home on Sunday night and I've barely been able to see him since then, except here at the hospital when my mom brings him up after school or after dinner. I know all this is freaking him out. My daughter lives 3 hours away without a dependable car so she's not able to be here right now. 

As far as surgery goes, I'm all for it if it will resolve these bowel issues, but that's it. I know it will not help my cancer. Hopefully, I will be considered a good surgical candidate for open abdominal surgery again. I always had a quick recovery before, without post-op complications. But things are different now. I'm on blood thinners, my cancer has spread, and I am just not the Amazon Girl I used to be.

One of the surgical residents just came in to talk to me. He told me they'd be sending down a team to start marking me for possible PEG tube and/or shit bag colostomy placement. Looks like I may be having surgery today, after all. Pray for me, please.

Tuesday, January 4

All Out Mutiny

Someone, please make it stop. I was admitted to the hospital again yesterday with unresolved abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting. I'm waiting on consults from a G.I., another GYN/onc, and a surgeon. My CT scan yesterday revealed that I now have a few small bona-fide obstructions, in different places. I can actually point to the exact places on my belly where the problems are.
My clinical trial is now on hold, until and unless I can get these mutinous bowels moving.

AARRGG! Fuck off, you scabrous dogs! Belay that guff and GIMME BACK MY BELLY!

Saturday, January 1

Passing Me By

Hello, my friends! I've been down and out for awhile so I am not caught up on everyone yet, but I hope you all had a safe, healthy and happy holiday.

Christmas passed me by this year, as I argued yet again with hospital dietary that I am a VEGAN, and to stop sending me chicken dinners and milk. I finally had to surrender. The first solid food I had was strained cream of chicken soup on Sunday night. Hey, it was Christmas. And it was delicious.  I came home from the hospital on Monday, still blurry but feeling better. I actually felt great on Tuesday and Wednesday- (hurry! look! it's Normal Girl!) God, what a feeling that was. My mom and I ate like kings as a celebration. (bad move)

I hardly know where I've been since Thursday morning. My bowels locked up on me again, I couldn't force down more than a few sips of water at a time, and I've been sleeping so much. To top it off, I ran out of morphine. I had (fuzzily) thought earlier in the week that I'd probably be having appointments this week and could get my refills then, but somehow I fell down the rabbit hole again and it got overlooked. I tried calling  5 different doctors on Friday but everyone was already gone for the holiday weekend. Hey! What about me?

I finally got a lucid moment. I'm trying to hunker down for these next couple days and double up on the dilaudid. I'm taking my laxatives and softeners and milk of magnesia and enemas and trying to sip on the miserable crap that passes for nutritional supplements. As you can see, I am desperately trying to avoid going to the hospital again. My kid gets back home tomorrow and starts school on Monday. 

I got preliminary stats on my PET scan- there is new stuff showing up in the abdominal/navel area. I swear, I felt those growing. One of my oncologists said if we can't get my bowels in order then I can't do the clinical trial, and/or I may have to have bowel surgery first or instead. Last week I transitioned from the coumadin (pill) to the lovenox injections for my blood thinner. I am not thrilled about this at all but I'm supposed to be off coumadin for 12 days before I can start the clinical trial. This Monday will be the 13th day, so I'm ready. I really gotta get my shit together. Too much is passing me by.