I wanna talk about....

HOSPICE.

I haven't talked about hospice, or much of anything lately. It's a full time job to properly medicate myself all day. But hey, I can multi-task! Right this minute I'm having an albuterol treatment in my new nebulizer. It's also taken me about a week to pull this post together.

The word "hospice" is a pretty scary word to most people. Some immediate thoughts upon hearing the word "hospice" are DEATH! DYING! KICKIN' THE BUCKET! (ok, that one was mine). But I chose hospice because treatment for my cancer was not working any more, and the cancer is spreading. I am in a totally new Place. I'm soaking up all these new feelings since I signed that one little orange paper. I'll save that for later.

I have my own hospice team. I have a doctor that makes house calls. She is amazing! I have a RN case manager, "A", who oversees all my care and stops by once or twice a week. I have another RN, "L", who covers when A is out. I have a phlebotomist, "R", that comes by and draws my blood once a week. I have a social worker, "N", who takes care of my head, and everything and everyone around me. She brings me flowers.

My hospice is a not-for-profit organization so all of my care not covered by state insurance is taken care of. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful they all are. Just when you think there couldn't possibly be any more they could offer you, they're back with a massage therapist for my lymphedema. Their pharmacy delivers day or night. My oxygen and supplies are delivered round the clock. A couple weeks ago I said "I have a swollen ankle". An hour later there was an ultrasound tech at my house checking me for DVT.

They really listen to me. They are all about me and my pain and my feelings and my children and our comfort. I have not had a bad experience or weird vibe from anyone I've met through hospice. God, what did I do to deserve this kind of loving, kind, compassionate care? I am blessed beyond belief.

LOVE

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

My extended vacation seems like I dreamed it. If I didn't have pictures and souvenirs I'd really have to wonder, because my memory is shot. I know I had fun, though!

You can escape life once in awhile, but it always catches up with you. I spent 19 days gleefully running in the cornfields of the Midwest getting my Zen on, and just absorbing friends and life and summer and freedom. Then I come home and all the world's problems (mine) are still there. I wasn't back 3 days before I was having chest pain again, anxiety attacks, and a lot of anger and stress. It's not easy living with an alcoholic and a 14 year old boy. Sage advice was to remove the stressors from my life. Can't get rid of the kid, but the man is definitely out. We have some irreconcilable differences and, based on our history, I don't trust him to take care of me if I get sick again. And he loves Bacardi much more than me.

I've had to make a lot of hard decisions. I'm unemployed and on disability now, so my finances aren't great. If I get sick again, I need to be somewhere I KNOW I'll be taken care of, and where my kid will be safe and looked after. I decided to move back to my mom's house in Phoenix. She's got room for us (and my dog), and it'll be a good thing. An adjustment, of course, but we'll make it work. My kid hates me, of course. He just started high school last week and doesn't want to be away from his friends. I totally understand that, and plan on keeping him at the school he's at, for this year, at least. He knows there are a few circumstances where I'd have to transfer him to a school closer to Mom's house.

It's gonna be a busy month; packing, sorting, weeding, downsizing, finding storage, cleaning, and moving. My heart aches for letting my dude go, but I know it's for the best. My path has just taken a sharp turn from his.

As far as my cancer goes, I'm in a holding pattern. Nothing zappable showed up on the scans last month so we wait. I had my barium swallow test to check out my throat. I am happy to say that there were no tumors, but I do have esophageal spasms and reflux now, apparently caused by chemo. Thanks a lot, chemo! You're the gift that just keeps on giving! Like herpes!

I still have chemo brain, chronic tinnitus, a sharp, stabbing pain close to my incision site (nerve damage, I'm almost positive), insomnia, and the attention span of a Labrador. But I'm alive, my eyebrows are almost back, and I have a great tan. (ha) I'm just trying to deal. One day at a time.