This is my own story of life with advanced ovarian cancer. I do not offer medical advice, and my treatment decisions are my own. Please talk to your physician or healer and gain as much information as you can about this dreadful disease called cancer. Remember, knowledge is Power!

Thursday, February 10

Not Much Time

Hi guys- got lots to say but not much time to say it all. I'm pretty heavily medicated so my lucid moments are becoming fewer and further between. I am on home hospice now but am posting from the hospital.

Anyway, lots of new stuff has happened. I finally got a total bowel obstruction and am the proud owner of a colostomy bag. My stoma is named Stella. I have a PEG tube that I was only using for my liquid methadone and dilaudid. I am now on oxygen, on 4 Litres. I have a big pump type thing that lives in my closet because it's noisy. It has a bubbler (for moisture) and there is always water in the line. I have a portable tank that's on the little trailer-pulley thing that just makes me want to go to the casino, ya know? There are always those little old ladies in there playing the slots, dragging their oxygen tubes and puffing on their cigarettes. gross!

What I'm working on now is fluid in my lungs. I came in to the hospital last week after hospice sent a home x-ray dude to the house because I was getting short of breath. The x-ray showed that I had 2 litres of fluid on my left lung. I went through a procedure where a chest tube was stabbed through my ribs and hooked up to a pump/ container thing to collect it. On Sunday, the drainage stopped so they took out the tube and sent me home. The x-ray dude came back on Tuesday and lo and behold, I had another 2 litres of fluid on the same lung. Back to the hospital for the same procedure- to drain the lung.

I've just spoken with the surgeon/pulmonologist/ hospice docs, and God's Army, and we've decided to do a procedure tomorrow called a Talc Pleuro-desis. You can look it up cuz I'm too exhausted to.

Things are getting close, my friends. I can feel it. I have signed a DNR (do not resuscitate) at my last hospital visit (with the bowel obstruction. I don't know a whole lot right now, except things are escalating- my body giving out, a lot of things. It's a weird feeling. I know this post is disjointed, rambling, whatever, but that's how i feel most of the time. My daughter will update for me when the time comes.

I just want to say to you all; I really love you. You've all helped me so much, in getting through my treatments, procedures, recoveries, etc.  I am so grateful to you. I do know that God can step in and change things at any time, but I'm also a realist. I'm not even gonna proofread this before I hit send cuz otherwise I'd be spending all day on it.

If you know me on Facebook, there's where you get the "morning update", meaning, if I say good morning- it means that I woke up.

I don't know where else to go with this, but here's the skinny. Say a prayer for my family, my children, my friends, and others who love me, will you? I think they need it more than I do.
I love you

42 comments:

  1. Through you I have learned how to better appreicate and understand my family, friends and strangers. How to accept what is and isn't fair when cancer wages it's war upon our loved ones. I have met some amazing people that share their love with me because of you. I ache for your family and friends and for the pain you are forced to endure. I love you, Patty.

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  2. My Sweet Pateeta...
    You are my lifes lesson in how to be strong and loving...Through it all you have prayed for US, loved US, and would tolerate not an ounce of pity...I love you FIERCLY and completely...Love Vicki

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  3. Dear wonderful, wild, crazy, beautiful woman: may peace and love be with you until the end of your days and may you be surrounded by your friends and family when you need them most. May they lean on each other when you are no longer able to hold them up. We love you and will always be here when you need us. You are our example of bravery. Of absolute, one hundred percent kick ass bravery. We will continue to fight for you and we will not forget. We will not forget the lessons you taught us through your example and we will never forget your warrior spirit. It will live on through us. May the angels keep watch over you and deliver you to a place with no pain and everlasting peace. We hold you in our hearts, minds and prayers. You will be sorely missed. Keep the dance floor warm for us. Your Aries sister, Diva.

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  4. Praying for all of you, and sending you great love and all the healing energy I can find. Holding your hand from here.
    Kimmy

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  5. Pateeta dear Pateeta,

    I just don't know what to say other than that you are a very brave, strong, spirited and kind woman who is full of love, and that has always inspired me. Your fight goes well noted and I pray for you every every every day. I will continue to pray for you, because I never give up hope. But should God decide to sweep you into his loving arms and carry you and sing sweet loving songs to you, we will be knowing you are free at last from all your suffering.

    Thank you for allowing me the honor of your OC sisterhood friendship. I will be praying for you and your family. God's Peace and Love be with you dear sweet Pateeta.

    Love,
    Denise

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  6. adding my good thoughts and prayers

    babylarva

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  7. Prayers, Pateeta. You are an awesome, crazy, brilliant, loving, and much loved woman. Sending you a virtual hug. You'll stay in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. Thank you so much for your inspirational gifts and for helping me so much. I'm sending you lots of feel good warmth to surround you and make you feel good. I wish I could help you.

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  9. Oh man - I am so sad reading this. Sending you lots and lots of love - you are so brave. And thank you for sharing everything - for another cancery type, you are inspiring - I hope I'd be as brave as you. And able to raise as many laughs ;)

    To your family - lots of love too - I don't know them, but they must be lovely, as they're yours :)

    Keeping you in my thoughts.
    xxx

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  10. Pateeta, my rock star friend, I love you!! I am thankful that I know you and you will always always be in my heart. I want to share one of my favorite bible verses because it makes me think of you:

    "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7

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  11. I am praying for you and your family too. For strength and for courage.

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  12. Pateeta. there are no words that I have to say. nothing witty, profound or inspiring to help.
    all I have is a love in my heart for knowing you and your generous, funny, quirky and smart self.
    I thank you for being a friend an inspiration.
    I wish you to be pain free and to have the ability to know how much we all love you. you have made a difference on this earth, and we are all much richer for having known you.
    Pippa

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  13. Praying for you and for your family....don't know what else to say....sending lots of love your way!!!

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  14. This post sounds so similar to my life 3 years ago. Thank you for sharing with me what could have been going through my mom's head that she never wrote down. I am praying for your family and friends, Pateeta. We love you so much.

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  15. Pateeta
    Please know that you are loved.You are courageous for sharing your thoughts at such a difficult time. I hope I can be as strong as you have been.Thank you for sharing your journey with us Cancery types.
    I am praying for you and for your family .
    Cyber Hugs.

    Dee

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  16. My darling Warrior Woman. You have been an inspiration to me and to many. Your courage and your faith have been boundless. I am praying for you and your beloved family. I have been blessed by your presence in my life. May the gods and goddesses hold you close now and forever.

    I love you so much,

    sherryb moonbeams

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  17. You are loved, Patty.
    I can't think of anything else to say, because that says it all. Thank you so much for sharing your humor, insight, and caring with all of us crazy women through the years.
    You are loved. Safe journey, my friend.
    Kristy (AL_QT)

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  18. You have taught me so much about being brave in the face of adversity and being strong beyond yourself when you need to. I love you dearly.

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  19. I am so, so, sorry to hear this. Since I found out about what you have been going through, you've been on my minds and in my prayers constantly. To say you are a very unique and very special lady doesn’t even begin to cover it. I see you’ve always kept that same courage and sense of humor which drew me to you in the first place.

    I’m sorry for how this turned out for you and your family.
    I’m sorry about us.
    I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner.

    In the past years not many days went by when I didn’t think about you. Now not a day goes by that I don’t.

    Thank you for forgiving me for my prior wrongs.
    Thank you for letting me make amends.
    Thank you for many wonderful memories.
    Thank you for being you.

    You’ve left a trail of smiles, laughter, friends and memories everywhere you’ve been. I don't know what else to say. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your children, your family, and your friends.

    I will remember you forever.

    Love, John

    "You can shed tears that she is gone,
    or you can smile because she has lived.
    You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
    or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
    Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
    or you can be full of the love you shared.
    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
    or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
    You can remember her only that she is gone,
    or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
    You can cry and close your mind,
    be empty and turn your back.
    Or you can do what she'd want:
    smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

    David Harkins

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  20. Cyndia aka Sissy PaycheckFebruary 10, 2011 at 4:32 PM

    Pateeta, how can someone mean so much even though we've never met? But I am overcome with such an enormous gratitude that you have been a presence in my life. I have learned so much from you of laughter, courage, strength, and resilience. You have fought the war of all wars, and maybe now it's the time to say "enough" and lay down your sword. I will never again hear the word "warrior" without thining of you, and I'll always remember you going off to your chemo on the motorcycle. Girl, you are a force to be reckoned with, and I hope the Great One is ready for you! I am very proud to know you. Much love and peace on your journey.

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  21. My Dear Precious Sissy,
    I love you so very much. There are no words that can express how much but when i hold your hand, hug you and look you in those beautful eyes, I know you can feel it. My big sister, my warrior, the one that looked after me when we were little girls, the one that has ALWAYS stood beside me, no matter what I did, my heart is broken in two, one half for you to always have, the other for me to keep you alive forever. If love could save you sissy, you would live forever. I love you so very very much.
    your baby sister, Teresa

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  22. I love you. Your humor. Your strength. You are a person I've always admired and respected.

    I thank God he has put you in all our lives, and I'm selfish enough to say mine.

    Emily
    Sneech
    emilyb
    A Better Woman Because of You

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  23. Pateeta,
    For someone I have never had the honor to meet in the flesh (much to my regret) You are one of the most inspiring people I have ever known.
    Yesterday, Today, and for all the Tomorrow's that are to come, YOU are a BLESSING !
    Love & Tears and Prayers
    Sandy
    (Sassygrits)

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  24. Thank you for setting us all a wonderful example of grace and humor under the most trying of circumstances. Peace be with you.
    Lyn

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  25. I love you Patty. I think about you daily and I hold you in my heart. I will always remember what fun we had in Jackson. You are my hero. xoxoxo

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  26. You have fought so long and so hard. Your courage, grace, and sense of humor have been truly inspiring, and I hold you in my heart. Peace be with you.

    Julie (Quiet)

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  27. Pateeta, I am honored to have known you. Godspeed, my dear. And know that you are in my prayers -- and praying that your family feels your strength for years to come.

    Gentle hugs, Annette (Carolina Goddess)

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  28. Still praying for you and your family. Hope to be half the woman u are when I grow up. Love, Nita

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  29. Dear Pateeta....

    You are so loved. You will always be thought of as such a wonderful caring person. I am so thankful to have met you. Thank you for making this world a bit better place to be. You are an amazing example of strength & grace. Our prayers are with you and your family.
    Love, Brenda aka: Ampryncess & Family

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  30. I love you, Pateeta. I have so many good memories that you are part of. I'm thinking of you and your family.

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  31. I wish I knew you better. I wish when I'd had the chance to know you better, I hadn't been so shy.

    If this is your time to go, I hope it happens quickly and peacefully, and I'll be adding my prayers and hopes to those of the others for your family.

    Thank you for having the grace to share this.

    Suzanne

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  32. Pateeta. Tears in my eyes and a huge knot in my throat as I try to type this. So many words to describe you...brave and strong and funny and inspring and wise and kick ass. You really truly astound me with your strength and courage through all of this battle you've been waging with stupid stupid cancer.
    I have you in my constant thoughts and I'm hugging you from Texas. I'm also saying big prayers for your family and close friends for them to have strength and courage to help you on your journey.
    Also? I just noticed that the picture of the cactus that's right next to the comment box looks a little like a giant flip-off and that made me giggle through my tears. Thought you might like to know that. ;)
    Love and hugs.
    Jez/Jennifer

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  33. Love you Patty. You and your family are in my daily prayers. I have many fond memories of you even though we have never met in 3D. You are on my list of ones I have to meet and have a drink with. One day...

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  34. Gentle loving hugs to you ... you Inspirational, Beautiful, Fun-loving, Truthful, Biker-Woman!
    Love you from afar. Prayers for comfort and Peace to You and Yours. You've rallied before. How about one more time??
    Be Safe. "Iris"

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  35. Dear Pateeta, my fellow OC fighter. I'm thinking about and praying for you and your family like crazy. Thank you for sharing all that you are with us. I love you.

    May the Lord bless and keep you
    May He let His face shine upon you
    Be gracious to you
    And give you His peace

    You're an amazing woman.

    Your friend, Tina

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  36. Love and hugs to you most beautiful Pateeta!! I too have nothing inspirational to say except I love you and cherish our friendship and the precious time we have had to laugh and raise hell together!! You are the best and I just downloaded the Three Dog Night app on my iPhone in your honor!! In their words . . . Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain, with the rain in Shambala . . . I can tell my sister by the flowers in her eyes on the road to Shambala! I'll see you on that road one day!! peace - precious pam :)

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  37. I have just found your blog. I wish you peace and calm. I have a stoma too- a urostomy. I never thought to give it a name- what a great idea. I wish you felt well enough so we could chat about it- I think that would have been fun. I am praying for you. XX

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  38. To my fellow Fountain Floozie - Godspeed, my friend. You have indeed fought the good fight, have been a Warrior Woman like I've seldom seen. (that cactus looks like it's giving the finger - is it???)
    Peace be with you and yours - and know that the world is a better place because you were part of it.
    Leigh
    aka Viney
    aka Goddess of the Vineyard

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  39. I am thinking of you and yours again. Sending prayers from Pennsylvania.

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  40. Pateeta, You have done so much for so many by keeping this blog.
    Cancer SUCKS!!!
    Hope your party this weekend was everything you wanted it to be. Hope you are feeling no pain.
    You will be missed, but never forgotten.
    Love, Gail

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!
Love,
Pateeta