This is my own story of life with advanced ovarian cancer. I do not offer medical advice, and my treatment decisions are my own. Please talk to your physician or healer and gain as much information as you can about this dreadful disease called cancer. Remember, knowledge is Power!

Tuesday, March 9

Here there be monsters

Fear, depression, fatigue or pain can take you to some pretty dark places. When you have them all, for an extended period of time, you go pretty deep down the rabbit hole. So much going on but no answers to anything. Too many meds. Weird side effects. Yeah, I know it's cancer and chemo- but I don't have to like it. I'm just trying to survive it. It's also been dark and cold and rainy for the last couple weeks, so maybe that added something to it.

My appointment with the onc yesterday got rescheduled because of an emergency (glad it wasn't me) so now I have to wait ANOTHER week to discuss my recent CT results and The Plan. This makes 4 weeks off chemo, right in the middle of treatment. I don't like this. Not one bit. This is what I get for demanding shit (CT scans) in the middle of treatment.

But today, as I was curled up in my blanket, with my ass growing roots into my couch and my cold, dead fingers wrapped around the remote- I thought "GET YOUR ASS UP. YOU'VE GOT SHIT TO DO." Then my sweetie came home and said "Hey! We gotta get some SUN in here!" and went around opening blinds and such. Then we went out for pizza. As far as my CT scan I'm going with the "no news is good news" approach. Ain't much else I have the energy to do.

Stay away from rabbit holes. That way lies madness.


  1. @#$%^&#$%^&*^%$^%)(^$#%$#&^!!!!!!!!!!!!
    and nothing but pure love from me to you.

  2. It's a bitch having to wait for results. Why does someone else's emergency usurp your info appt? You can call the doctor and ask over the phone? I try not to worry because I know that no amount of worry changes the outcome either way.
    I hope you are doing better. Loved the phrasing about growing roots into the couch. Very creative.

  3. Thank you. I AM doing better- the sun is shining, the birds are singing, there's beer in the fridge, and I've been off chemo for 3 weeks! I'm gonna enjoy the weekend, and we'll see what we see on Monday. :)

  4. I feel for you ... glad you have your humor but I know what it feels like ... that deep sadness ... not really caring much about anything.

    Glad to read you are doing better. All the best to you.

  5. I so get the deep, dark well. That's exactly how I described days 3, 4 and 5 after chemo. Luckily, we eventually emerge and the world looks brighter, the sky bluer, the chocolate sweeter. Hang in there.


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