Like A Lead Balloon

That's what my stomach feels like. I had my upper GI series yesterday where I glugged down at least a litre of barium. I don't know how I did it, only being able to take small sips of anything, but I was determined to NOT get the NG tube down my nose. It took over 4 hours for this test. I'm sure it would've been quicker, but when your bowels aren't working properly then they can't push the barium through. About 3 hours into the test they told me to lie on my stomach to get another view. It had been over 4 hours since my last pain and nausea meds so I was hurting pretty badly by then, but you'd have thought they were murdering me in there by the tortured screams that came from within. The radiologist called for a nurse to dose me with more pain meds so we could finish the test, and my momma came down from my room where she'd been waiting for hours. They let her come in and hold my hand and calm me down. Thank God for my momma.

It's been about 18 hours since I drank the barium and it's still not moving anywhere. Last night I vomited, but only bile. I still can't have a bowel movement. This morning I got a new wristband with my blood type and other cryptic information. Surgery today is a definite possibility. I spoke with the GI guy, the surgeons, the gyn/onc and the chaplain. If they decide to go in to check out/resolve the bowel issue, it's very possible I'll leave here with a shiny new colostomy bag, and maybe a PEG tube for feeding.

It distresses me how fast this is happening. I mean one minute I feel fine, and the next minute I'm in the fucking hospital AGAIN for something else. My kid came home on Sunday night and I've barely been able to see him since then, except here at the hospital when my mom brings him up after school or after dinner. I know all this is freaking him out. My daughter lives 3 hours away without a dependable car so she's not able to be here right now. 

As far as surgery goes, I'm all for it if it will resolve these bowel issues, but that's it. I know it will not help my cancer. Hopefully, I will be considered a good surgical candidate for open abdominal surgery again. I always had a quick recovery before, without post-op complications. But things are different now. I'm on blood thinners, my cancer has spread, and I am just not the Amazon Girl I used to be.

One of the surgical residents just came in to talk to me. He told me they'd be sending down a team to start marking me for possible PEG tube and/or shit bag colostomy placement. Looks like I may be having surgery today, after all. Pray for me, please.