What's in a number?

Hmmm, where did we leave off? Oh yeah, the moving, the breakup, and the yada yada yada. I finally got the moving done. Well, let's just say all my crap is outa the apartment and partially in storage and partially here at my mom's house. My mom is having the floors redone so I'm not going to move my big stuff in here until the new carpet is in. That stuff is heavy, and I'm only moving it once (more).

The breakup is done. I swear, that was the longest breakup I've ever had, with all the moving and whatnot. We've kept it civil, we're amicable, and we'll try to stay friends. Maybe I'll get over my resentment now that I'm not depending on him for anything.

On to the yada yada yada. Yeah. I really don't want to go there, but I must. I saw my PCP last week to talk about weaning off some of my meds and to check out some pain I've been having- not just the upper abdominal thing that I think is nerve damage/scar tissue, but a new, lower, pelvic pain. I was trying to think what I had left in there that would hurt so much; my bladder? my colon? This pain has gotten progressively worse over the last month, and I'm sure moving boxes and furniture hasn't helped it much. But this pain is beyond strained muscles. And I'm actually FEELING lumpy-type things down there. My PCP said it "may" be a hernia that developed after my surgery last year. But he doesn't think so.

He's ordering a new pelvic/abdominal CT scan for me- I'll get that next week. He wrote up a referral to the new oncologist I need to see, since I have no insurance now and have to change docs. I'll see him on Thursday. He did some labwork.

My CA-125, which has been very low for a year, is now at 205. Are you ready for Round 3? Plan D? FUCK. ME.

Crab Ass Wendy Whiner

I have just had my next-to-last chemo. My CA-125 is back up to 20 from 12. I try not to get hung up on the numbers- it's still totally within the "normal" range (less than 35) but I'm not liking the spike. I have so much going on with side effects- all separate things that, by themselves, are irksome, distressing, painful or intolerable- all together are really fucking me up.

These days, everything I do (or want to do) requires deep consideration. With all the meds I'm taking, I have to be very careful. Should I take Xanax for anxiety, or narcotics for pain? Can't take 'em both, or even close to when I go to bed. Ambien or Seroquel to sleep? Ambien doesn't work for long and Seroquel is supposed to help with "sleep anxiety" and hot flashes. It's not helping. My Prozac was upped to 60mg a day to help with the hot flashes. That's a lot of Prozac. And it's not helping.

Chemo plays HELL with your GI tract, starting with your mouth. Bleeding gums, mouth sores- fuck that. Got some new mouthwash- it's called Magic Mouthwash, and the pharmacy actually had to compound it for me. It's got a LOT of Lidocaine in it, some antibiotic, antacid and something else. I have to make sure I've eaten first because I'm a total mush mouth after using it.

When it comes to eating, I have to consider what will taste the best when throw it up. Or if it's even gonna pass through. Gross, right? All my cancer/chemo buds know exactly what I'm talkin' about. Laxatives? Sure. Bring 'em on. They're not working. When I need to take a Vicodin after using the bathroom: I AM NOT HAPPY CRAPPER.

I even got some anti-nausea patches called Sancuso. Good shit, Maynard. Especially when they STICK like they're supposed to. They last for 5 days, and in combination with Zofran, Compazine and some steroids, they work great. But I've had 2 patches fall off after 1 day (yes, I put them on right- I'm not a total dipshit).

The sinus thing is driving me crazy. It's been dripping for a year since I started chemo- apparently because my nose hairs are gone, and bleeding and scabbing for about 6 months. It's not going away and feels like it's going deeper.

Thanks for lettin' me share my list of woes. Doesn't make it any better, but maybe y'all know something I don't about fixing them (besides stopping chemo and all meds). I see a lot of doctors now, but see an ENT and a GI doc in my future. Fuck.

Herbals, anyone?

Anticipatory Nausea

There's really nothin' or nobody that can fuck with your head like your own head. Even when you know what's up and why you feel that way.

Since I started this second round of chemo, every time I go causes me much anxiety and nausea. None of my anti-nausea meds help with this. Xanax isn't helping much either, especially because I drive myself to and from chemo since it's only a short infusion.

My sister is in the hospital right now for diverticulitis. The hospital is right across the street from my Onc office where I get my chemo. It turns out that I don't even have to be going to chemo- just the drive up there gets me all worked up, and I've been up there a lot this past week.

I talked to my chemo nurse on Friday. She said to expect to have more chemo on Monday because the onc said I could/should, Avastin or not.

Anticipatory nausea, indeed. Makes me want to barf just thinking about it.

Back in the Bubble

The Bubble is where I live after chemo. It's all in my head; the dizziness, the nausea, the feeling of being pumped too full of liquid, or like an overfilled helium balloon with the top of my head trying to float off. It's like riding the merry-go-round for too long. I need to remember to tie my head down.

Tomorrow will be infusion 3C at Club Chemo and I will be halfway done with treatment (again). I saw my PCP last week about the ringing in my ears, nosebleeds, insomnia, and the fact that I'm losing my mind. He told me I'm pretty much SOL about the tinnitus (ringing), there isn't really anything that can be done. I figured they could just bong me with a tuning fork and re-set something. Guess not. (I'm sure a bong wouldn't hurt, though)

The nosebleeds could be from the dry air, or maybe because my nose constantly runs while I'm on chemo and I've just worn a hole in my septum with all the wiping and blowing. Either way, it hurts like hell and will bleed at the most random times; at the grocery store, while driving, or walking the dog. Hopefully, it won't get any worse or we'll be talking about cautery. Inside my sinuses.. Lord help me.

As far as insomnia and extreme anxiety go, I'm trying out some new meds. We'll see how that goes.