A Call To My Peeps:

I need a boost, my friends. My oncology appointment is tomorrow to discuss PET scan results. I haven't slept in 3 days. My sister is back in the hospital undergoing tests for bowel issues- she had a colon resection 6 months ago. Now I have some weird bowel issues going on. Sympathetic symptoms, maybe? A bug? Bad oysters after my PET scan on Friday? I know, what was I thinking? (actually, I was thinking I should load up on all that raw-fishy-sushi stuff now in case I had to start chemo again and wasn't allowed to have it. My mind works in strange ways). I am STRESSED OUT. In pain. Scared. AGAIN! How many times do I have to go through this? 


So- if it wouldn't be too much, would y'all mind sending good thoughts my way? Send it in whatever way blows your skirt up- pray, rattle 'dem bones, knock on wood, rub your lucky rock, telepathy- I ain't picky. I'll take them all. Some for my sister wouldn't be bad, either. Thank you.


Lord, give me strength. Amen.



 

What's in a number?

Hmmm, where did we leave off? Oh yeah, the moving, the breakup, and the yada yada yada. I finally got the moving done. Well, let's just say all my crap is outa the apartment and partially in storage and partially here at my mom's house. My mom is having the floors redone so I'm not going to move my big stuff in here until the new carpet is in. That stuff is heavy, and I'm only moving it once (more).

The breakup is done. I swear, that was the longest breakup I've ever had, with all the moving and whatnot. We've kept it civil, we're amicable, and we'll try to stay friends. Maybe I'll get over my resentment now that I'm not depending on him for anything.

On to the yada yada yada. Yeah. I really don't want to go there, but I must. I saw my PCP last week to talk about weaning off some of my meds and to check out some pain I've been having- not just the upper abdominal thing that I think is nerve damage/scar tissue, but a new, lower, pelvic pain. I was trying to think what I had left in there that would hurt so much; my bladder? my colon? This pain has gotten progressively worse over the last month, and I'm sure moving boxes and furniture hasn't helped it much. But this pain is beyond strained muscles. And I'm actually FEELING lumpy-type things down there. My PCP said it "may" be a hernia that developed after my surgery last year. But he doesn't think so.

He's ordering a new pelvic/abdominal CT scan for me- I'll get that next week. He wrote up a referral to the new oncologist I need to see, since I have no insurance now and have to change docs. I'll see him on Thursday. He did some labwork.

My CA-125, which has been very low for a year, is now at 205. Are you ready for Round 3? Plan D? FUCK. ME.

Here there be monsters

Fear, depression, fatigue or pain can take you to some pretty dark places. When you have them all, for an extended period of time, you go pretty deep down the rabbit hole. So much going on but no answers to anything. Too many meds. Weird side effects. Yeah, I know it's cancer and chemo- but I don't have to like it. I'm just trying to survive it. It's also been dark and cold and rainy for the last couple weeks, so maybe that added something to it.

My appointment with the onc yesterday got rescheduled because of an emergency (glad it wasn't me) so now I have to wait ANOTHER week to discuss my recent CT results and The Plan. This makes 4 weeks off chemo, right in the middle of treatment. I don't like this. Not one bit. This is what I get for demanding shit (CT scans) in the middle of treatment.

But today, as I was curled up in my blanket, with my ass growing roots into my couch and my cold, dead fingers wrapped around the remote- I thought "GET YOUR ASS UP. YOU'VE GOT SHIT TO DO." Then my sweetie came home and said "Hey! We gotta get some SUN in here!" and went around opening blinds and such. Then we went out for pizza. As far as my CT scan I'm going with the "no news is good news" approach. Ain't much else I have the energy to do.

Stay away from rabbit holes. That way lies madness.